Leaving 2016.  DON’T look back! 

This year has been pretty incredible. Good and bad. From all the famous deaths to my difficult personal journey this year, I’m looking forward to starting a fresh, new year. I suspect there’s a few people out there that can empathize. 

I believe happiness is your responsibility. I don’t believe in blaming others for what you’ve chosen to do or how you live. That being said, I’ve come to realize that if I want to finish my novel, raise my twins well and excel at my job…it’s all up to me. 

I have the same quantity of time each day as everyone else. Much as I want to say I need more time, time management is the true answer. 

Unfortunately, being diagnosed with bi-polar and panic attacks years ago, hasn’t helped. I’m not on medication or seeing a therapist. Honestly, I think I’ve done a fairly good job managing my emotions on my own. Until tonight. 

Sometimes I get fired up over something minor, that doesn’t even really affect me and I should let it roll off. But suddenly I over analysis, obsess and end up blowing up. To me, this is unacceptable. 

Going back to my original declaration…this is on me. It’s not my husband, my twins or social media that’s to blame for my frustration. It’s all on me. 

So I’ve decided to consider seeking out a therapist. To make sure I’m “normal” or to hear that indeed I’m a little extreme and need some sort of medication to even me out. It’s a tough decision for various reasons:  money, potential side affects, management of time around the appts…fear.

My number one concern about considering therapy and medication again is what it could do to me creatively. Sure, it may help even out my moods, keep me rolling on the positive side of life and best of all, quiet my mind to help me sleep!  But what if I try a med again, and lose my ability to want to create?

My writing suffered in the past when I was on medication. 

So. Do I try to calm my anxiety and even out my moods?  Or do I do everything I can to manipulate those outrageous thoughts into an amazing manuscript to fulfill my number 1 goal (after having the twins of course 😉 ) of publishing a novel?

Decisions, decisions. 

Adulthood is not easy. But one of my two options above should certainly make it better. 

The question is…which one?

Creator of image unknown

Life Changes…Life Goes On

Life changes. Life goes on.

Then you die.

Sounds like a whirlwind of scenes, essentially ending with a final chapter and the story of your life is over. Good, bad and indifferent.

Some scenes in my life thrill me, push me further and help me to thrive. Other scenes play out like a movie in my head that I can’t stop or even slow down. Every scene dims and eventually fades into the past.

As a writer, it excites me when I experience things in my life that parallel my stories. Because that’s all life really is, a screenplay of each individual experience. Different scenes, reactions, consequences…no one lives the same life. Every twist and turn in your plot, places you on an alternative path in your life and yet, in the end, we all greet death.

I suppose I’m not entirely sure where this post is going today. Just started typing. Perhaps it’s because my day to day life is a roller coaster of emotions and surrealism these days. One year ago, I wouldn’t have guessed I’d be here right now. Hell, 1 month ago, I didn’t see my life changing so much.

Busier than ever, more choices and decisions to be made and not entirely sure what direction I want to go with any of it. The one thing I do know, is writing still makes me happy.

I suspect it’s partially because I enjoy the activity, but the other part of it is escaping from my sudden bizarre life, to a truly fantasized one. To retreat into my own mind and block out the many distractions that seem to be flying at me with lightning speed. Only to swathe my fragile, near shattered psyche in a shroud of a world I can nurture, build and make my own private heaven.

Nothing can hurt me there, unless I wish it. Nothing can be “forever gone” there, unless I destroy it. My personal universe – I can control.

Until the end. Until death takes me.

Oh well, I guess there’s always the potential for a sequel. After all 50 Shades and Twilight did it.